Ghetto Fab

When I moved to Arizona my VW Golf held everything I owned. Since then I've bought the world's most comfortable queen-sized bed, a cheery-stained Denmarket L-shaped desk, and various matching/unmatching book shelves. My VW also gets amazing gas mileage and its description is everything I strive to be: frugal, economical and stylish.

But my car - named Beepers - is also getting old, I took him in today for his 80,000 mile check up. Recently, he's also had the tendency to shut off during highway driving. It turns out Beepers had an electrical malfunction, he blew a bulb in the mechanics face this morning - that's my car - sassy 'til the end!

Scheduled check-ups always cost a lot of money. Luckily, VW and my local dealer send me tons of coupons and I'm not above combining them any way they'll let me (because I'm frugal, remember?). This time I got 10% off plus a free rental car.

What I didn't bank on was getting a land yacht - the only car the rental place had left was a Ford Explorer. I was pretty sure an Explorer wasn't a station wagon but I couldn't remember what one looked like. The lady at the desk showed me to my rental, my jaw dropped and my eyes widened but I didn't protest.

The green, lefty, liberal, environmentally friendly activist in me hated the vehicle, but the boner in my shorts from being able to see people in their cars from above while bumping Timerland (Brandy's new album) on the sound system seemed to disagree. This feeling can't be worth $80 in gas a week, plus it can't be entirely safe to drive in a thing so erect ... er, I mean tall.

Lindsay Update: Wilmer and Matt

Matt Dillon has signed on to play the villain in Linday Lohan's upcoming movie Herbie: Fully Loaded.

Lindsay's parents say Wilmer is an angel. Have they seen their daughter and her boyfriend at the clubs? Some may say that he's the lucky one having Lohan for a girlfriend but have you seen the lips on this boy? My god - she's the lucky one.

Undefeated in Something ... Finally

After sixteen games, my volleyball team remains undefeated. We got the gold this season in a shut out that defied logic - how could a team as beautiful as we are be so fucking good at something other than ... well ... looking good? It ain't practice, that's for sure, I think we practiced once the entire season and one guy was drunk before we got onto the court. It ain't height, four out of six of us are 5'7" and under.

Whatever it is, we won. WA-HOO! We won.

Of course this means that we have to celebrate, and there's only one way to do this properly - a ten hour bar crawl honoring not only our immaculate win, but the new 2am last call. Everyone has their job to make sure this will be an event to remember. One fabulous person will create a soundtrack for the night including every team member's theme song plus our own team theme song. That person just happens to be me - I'll post the playlist when it's complete. Another person's in charge of creating the bar map we'll follow with the utmost respect (or until we pass out on the pavement). Yet another will secure a designated driver under that age of 21 that will courier us around town in a super-low fuel efficient but incredibly roomy Cadillac Escalade.

Going Home

My mom turns 51 today. I surprised her by coming home this weekend. Actually, I flew in on Friday night, my sister and I hung out at her house until 10am on Saturday morning at which time my parents arrived — just in time for lunch. Lunch at 10am? Who are these people?

I had other reasons for coming home. My grandmother has been ill for some time and I want to see her as often as I possible. For me that means once a year but I haven't done so well, I've skipped a few years since I went off to college and I'm trying to do better. My grandmother has lupis, she's gone through some pretty horrible physical aliments from the disease, but she still has three things that have kept her going: her faith in god, her intelligence as a wise woman and love for her family.

My grandmother was the one person I never thought I'd come out to, but thanks to a boyfriend named Brandon, that's all behind me. He inspired me to be honest with her, who knows how long she'd be here? Some people can't come out to their grandparents or even their parents because they're afraid of getting written out of the will. I've never had that problem - my family has always been poor. When I was little, my biggest fear was poverty, I hid my home from my friends and never invited them over on weekends. When I got over that, my life took a big change for the better.

Love I understand, family obligation has been more of a personal challenge for me. In the past, I've never had to worry about family. Everyone could take care of their body and personal space. But as the days go by, I realize that family isn't as physically well off as I believed them to be.

My mom was exercising her arm this morning. She recently had surgery on it, but it lacks range of mobility. For four weeks, she'd had someone drive her around. She seems to enjoy the that part, but the fact is her arm isn't healing.

She made a joke at lunch yesterday, one which I only realized was indeed a joke today. I touched her arm and commented on how solid it was. She replied that it was all muscle. Over the phone a few minutes ago my aunt asked how my mother was feeling. "Fine," I said, then added, "and her arm feels solid, it's so muscular." She just sighed and told me that it's so sad my mother's arm is stiff and she can't use it. I hadn't thought of that before, I just believed my mom when she said she worked out her bad arm. I choked on the next comment into the phone, staring at my mother and finally seeing her fragility. She's a strong woman but my dad's the one taking care of her and the home.

Truthfully, I didn't come come for selfless reasons. Quite the contrary — I came home for complete selfish reasons. I was hoping that this weekend would be my escape. I'm leaving a job I've had for over three and half years, a job where the staff has become my family. I broke up with my boyfriend of almost four years at the the beginning of July. I was feeling alone and lost. I thought home would have been an nice escape from all that. The irony is that visiting my family has forced me to deal with the thought that my family won't be here forever. Soon, I won't be able to come home anymore.

I don't have a husband or a family of my own. I have amazing friends that love me and care for me, I'm thankful for that. But life isn't so easy and it hurts.

I still have three hours with my family. I'm going to spend them wisely by enjoying their company and telling them how I feel about them.

Athlete of the Day: Elizabeth Callahan

She's a crazy woman — at age 52 — she's the oldest athlete in any sport at the Olympics. This is her third Olympics but she's been on the national shooting team for 16 years. Currently, she trains at a corrections facility in Washington, D.C.

But she's not today's Athlete of the Day because of her accomplishments — oh, no. She's today's athlete because of her choice painfully cookie tossing yet oddly inspiring choice in music. Rhapsody lists athletes favorite songs (or radio stations) on the NBC Olympic website. Here are her favorite songs, which truth be told, are as bad as her hair. Good luck, Elizabeth!

Michael Phelps Spokesperson for Super Low-Rise Jeans

He's built like a fish — his shoe size is 14, which make his feet perfect flippers. His wing span is longer than his actual height of 6'4" which means it takes him less strokes to cover the same distance a normal person need. Finally, he has short legs for a tall guy so he carries less dead weight in the water. And have you seen that suit he wears? He's a natural spokesperson for super-extra-good-lord-that's-low rise jeans.

I applaud the dude for being the youngest Olympic contender since the '30s. He was 15 at the Sydney games and turned pro a year later. Had he won all eight gold medals (he won a bronze yesterday) he would earned an additional 1 million dollars from Speedo, his sponsor. Plus, he's hot so, like I'm paying attention.

Lindsay Lohan Update

(Andrew —  I apologize now for being a bastard and for what I'm about to reveal.)

***SPOILER ALERT!*** If you plan on seeing the Teen Choice Awards come Wednesday Night avert thine eyes!

Lindsay Lohan won four, yes, four surf boards on Sunday. All were for her role in Mean Girls opposite Tina Fey and rising star Rachel McAdams. Her winnings were in the following categories:

Best Movie Actress in a Comedy
Best Movie Hissy Fit
Best Movie Blush
and Movie Breakout Star Actress (for both Mean Girls and Freaky Friday)

Paris Hilton and Nicole Richie hosted ... blah, blah, blah ... Lindsay Lohan won FOUR awards! Rejoice, for all is right in the world.

Check out the Pop Culture section of Entertainment Weekly for more information.

— Atticus West

Lindsay Lohan Update

Lindsay has some fantastic movies coming out next year. Herbie: Fully Loaded is already in production. That classic white Volkswagen with a knack for helping couples hook up finds itself in the world of NASCAR racing and that just screams campy fun. A VW in NASCAR? There's no cast listing online, so who's she going to fall in love with you ask? Let's take a poll — which twenty-something stud do you want to see Lindsay hook up with in Herbie?

In another movie called Gossip Girl, she's the toast of adolescence in New York's Upper East Side. Her father's a gay jet-setter, yay for that! But her world comes tumbling down when her ex-best friend returns and catches the eye of her hottie boyfriend. For those of you who thought I was completely heartless when it came to eating disorders, note my change of heart. In this movie, Lindsay's character has bulimia — fear not, it's still listed as a comedy on IMDB and I'll enjoy myself thoroughly.

Fashonistas is a movie where Miss Lohan finally leaves high school behind. She will star as Vig, a young fashion designer who's plans for revenge on her editor backfire. She'll find solace in becoming an anonymous "It" designer during her demotion as a fashion assistant.

I spoke too soon about the school thing, she will play another high schooler in Dramarama. Her parents pull her out of her prestigious high school for a more affordable public education after a harsh economic situation.

Finally, Lindsay will play a sexy Manhattanite and three time lottery winner in Lady Luck. She'll then become broke and take a job to bankroll her search for a would-be love. Could that synopsis be any more vague? Thank you IMDB for your help in this entry.

All of these movies are slated to be released in 2005. Good luck Lindsay, I can't imagine when you're going to find to sleep or date in the next year.

Until then we have two DVD's to keep us busy. Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen is now available on DVD. More importantly, Mean Girls hits the DVD shelves on September 21. Oh, how we love both Lindsay and fellow co-star Rachel McAdams (from The Notebook). What's your favorite Mean Girls quote?

1) I can't wear hoop earrings. She says it's her thing. My parents got me these really cute earrings and I had to pretend I didn't like them.

2) There I go again with the word vomit ... I couldn't stop talking about her. The weird thing was, even though I hated her I still wanted her to like me.

3) Uh, he's your cousin.
I know, but he's such a good kisser!

4) You can't like Aaron! He's Regina's ex-boyfriend. That's like against the laws of feminism or something.

5) Wow, your house is amazing!
I know, righhhhhht!

Ed note: All movie information is subject to change. If you have a correction, tell me about it. If you find this entry like three months later (that'd be November '04) don't freak out if it's all inaccurate and shit.

Birthday in the Dog Days of Summer

Most of you know this blog is total shit. Yes, I've done some pretty crazy things, blogged about them and then denied they ever happened. But generally I don't take myself seriously in my entries, (mostly because there's a half naked picture of my to the right of this). This blog is an act of escapism and I love every moment of it.

I love that my friends read it. I love that my family reads it [God, could they be any more open minded after reading about their brother/son (that's me!) having sex with other guys?]. And I love that people who I've never met read it and email me about it. Hello, fellow bloggers.

This week I'll have my birthday. I won't get anything materialistically big or expensive. The Amazon wish list I made and sent to my family will go unanswered. My friends will buy me beer (just one — 'cause that's all it takes to get me shit-faced). And I'll think about Ryan and Brandon.

Ryan is was my nephew ... woah, back it up ... People ask me if my parents are upset that they have three gay sons. No? Why would they be — one's a doctor, one's an AIDS research assistant with a master's degree in math and statistics, and I'm a freak'n stud. No, they're not sad.

Granted, I come from a Latino family. If anything (one could go so far as to say: the only thing) my parents want is that our last name continue, we must procreate. My sister has a baby boy but his last name is hyphenated, our last name is second, so that doesn't count.

So there was pressure for my eldest brother (the only straight guy out of my siblings) to somehow make a boy. He's married, his wife already had a girl from a previous marriage. So they tried ... and they tried. Finally, she was pregnant with — get this — a baby boy! Yay. The pressure was off any of us gay children to miraculously create a man child. My brother's wife gave birth to Ryan in 1999. He was born in the children's hospital across from my college dorm. He was born almost a full trimester early.

Then he died.

On my birthday.

Well, actually, I'm being a little dramatic there. He died a few days before my birthday. The funeral was on my birthday. I remember buying myself a nice little birthday suit — grey dress dress pants with cargo pockets, a greenish-grey Banana Republic dress shirt, and a fantastic grey Perry Ellis tie that matched both the slacks and the shirt. I was the best dressed person at the funeral.

The funeral took place in Las Cruses, New Mexico. I met cousins I never knew I had. I also met my dad's childhood friends who lived there. They all loved my dad, they said he was the funniest person they ever knew. They said he'd always make them laugh out in the cotton fields. All I could say was, "My dad?" Surely, they were talking about somebody else. But they weren't, my dad was all that back in his day. Whodathunk? I had always looked down on him, thinking I was so much better than either of my parents. They were the boring ones and I was the amazing urban fag. I realized then that I was stupid and had no respect for my family extended or otherwise.

Come to think of it, I was even hit on by some of my cousins. Hello? Perry Ellis tie, Banana Republic shirt, cargo fuck'n slacks — gay, gay gay I tell you!

My birthday of 1999 was also the day Brandon left for Puerto Rico. I loved that kid. We dated that year, I broke up with him because I was arrogant and thought I could infiltrate a Christian cult, bring them down, and in the process expose them to all things gay where they would then accept my kind and embrace diversity. Hell, I'd be happy if they embraced women as leaders and church that only met once a week.

Well, I got my wish, but I was so focused on said mission that I inadvertently broke up with Brandon. Lame, I know — I really liked him. But by breaking up with him, he was able to do the one thing he couldn't/wouldn't do while we were dating; he went to Puerto Rico, his father's country.

I remember crying on the floor of the hotel room that night. My mom and dad where in one bed, and my sister in the other. I slept on the floor, I wanted to sleep there, I knew they wouldn't hear me or feel my body shaking in waves of emotion. I'll let anyone see me cry in a movie or a commercial for Folger's coffee, but not when it comes to my birthday and feeling sorry for myself.

This summer I broke up with my boyfriend who I'd been with for the last three and half years. I'm not sad that we broke up, but I miss knowing that someone is there ... for times like these.

So forgive me if I'm a little fuck'n depressed on my birthday. Forgive me for feeling a little lost in thought when you talk to me. Forgive me for not calling you back because you want to fuck tonight after my volleyball game. Forgive me for being sensitive when you point out my shortcomings. Forgive me for making mistakes.

All I ask is that you give me a few days, I'll get over it. I always do. I don't mind becoming a year older and I'm not expecting another fantastic birthday. Yet, each year of my life gets better and better and for that I'm extremely grateful. Thanks for reading, sorry if you didn't laugh this time.