October 24, 2004

Ashlee Simpson's SNL fuck-up

*An open letter to Ashlee Simpson*

Dear Ashlee,

You can't sing. You can't improvise. You can't dance. You can't even perform with pre-recorded vocals.

It's official - you really don't have ANY talent. I've been willing to give you the benefit of the doubt. Your first single was fun, and unlike your sister, it hit number one on the Billboard chart. Congrats. You're famous only because you have a busty older blond sister (who breaths lyrics rather than sings them which is totally annoying by the way).

You wouldn't be here today if Jessica wasn't your sister. And it's outrageous (and egotistical) of you to say otherwise. It's almost as outrageous as saying you make "punk" music. YOU ARE SO POP MISS SIMPSON! Don't try to act like you're something other than a manufactured trend. You are anything but counter-culture like to claim to be.

You father markets you as the anti-Jessica, we get it. But unless you shave your head or make some really original music, you're still bubble gum pop. Your guitar heavy band only makes you guitar heavy bubble gum pop, not rock.

And what was with the whole Ryan Carraba thing? How could you date him? You know he's a woman right? He's hot but he's totally a chick. His hair even has more volume than yours. Never date a man with better hair than your own.

So if you want to be noticed, you can keep doing what she did last night on Saturday Night Live. It's bad publicity, but any publicity is good for you right now since you won't be making fans from your wide vocal range. Your lack of vocal expertise and weak song-writing ability only supports your role as a manufactured star with no talent.

Here's what happened in case you forgot. After singing "Pieces of Me" and going to commercial, your band started playing the exact same song for your second number. First the shock set in, the dubbed lyrics played as you stared into the camera. The song was going on and your lips were SO. NOT MOVING. You then walk off the stage and the band continues to play their hearts out. SNL goes to commercial half-way into the set. When the credits roll at the end of the show, you have the audacity to blame it on the band! You claim they started the wrong song which is why you bailed.

Um? Excuse me, Miss Simpson take some responsibility, you could have easily stopped them or at least made the whole thing into a joke. But you bailed. You bailed and your lip-sync vocals carried the song to it's bitter end when you quit. Get a real job. Or get voice lessons, I hear Hiliary Duff knows where you could go to hone your skills as a chanteuse.

--Atticus West