September 28, 2004

Atticus West: The Movie

A common conversation starter for me is:

In the story that is my life, what's your theme song? What song is playing when you walk in the room to meet me?

Of course, as a Pop Culture Junkie my song changes every week. This week it's "Lose My Breath" by Destiny's Child.

My movie would start as I walk across my college campus. The beginning titles are designed by Imaginary Forces (the guys who did X-Men, Spiderman, Seven, Bicentennial Man, Dead Man on Campus, The Avengers; they were also the guys who did the introduction of Charmed and Ally McBeal). It's a lot like the music and attitude of Mean Girls with all the cool typography and camera movement of Daredevil.

I walk through campus in low-rise boot cut dark washed Diesel jeans. I have proportionately long legs so I perpetually thank the baby Lord Jesus for the low-rise fad. God knows I've invested in enough jeans to last me through my fifties - and by then I'll be so fuck'n happy to be stuck in my generation. All kids born in 2023 will laugh at me but they'll will be wearing leather pants from genetically superior cloned cows that start at their thighs and end at their knees - so fuck 'em; young bastards, put on some draws, a'ight?

But back to my movie: (que music) I'm wearing black 2xist briefs with my junk pointed towards my nuts; again, they are low-rise and I love them because they're nice and snug and they keeping my daily erections cleverly disguised and continually pointed down. Remember: low-rise jeans + boner peaking up and out of your pants = disaster.

I'm also wearing a soft-to-the-touch non-black/non-grey/non-white but merry colored t-shirt with a cleverly designed logo over my chest. The logo is a tasteful word or phrase that people will ask about or compliment on it's humor and originality.

Naturally, the camera catches the horny lingering glances from the boy-men on campus. Eight guys eye-flirt with me. The guys I pass are different from yesterday, I take different routes on campus constantly looking for short-cuts or new points of interest. In any case, the guys are usually shorter than me with small hands, blond with James Franco side-burns and usually nineteen years old.

I discreetly check them out in return but the real fun is searching for new sorority chic t-shirts on the gorgeous Greek girls. Every year their designs improve. My favorite this year is the tight-army green-boob-displaying number with white letters that reads "The Few, The Proud, The Theta." Brilliant.

I walk ironically into my office - I'm not a student after all. I'm the youngest full-time designer in my office. In fact I'm always the youngest, often times younger than the interns. I can't help that I'm so gifted in design or that I started college early. The credits would mostly end here, the really unimportant ones like "casting by Gina Lee" and "shot entirely on location in Arizona" continue to play until I put my black one-strap-over-the-shoulder bag under my desk.

My phone rings, I pick up, "Hi! This is Atticus!" I say.

End Scene.


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