June 24, 2004

Which Olsen Twin Are You?

Often feeling like two different people, you try to do the right thing, eat the right foods, and market the trendiest products in your Walmart line appropriately titled Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen. You continue to make bad movies that miraculously do well on DVD and currently your popularity is at an all time high.

But this week you've had to make a very difficult choice, either: a) turn yourself into a rehabilitation center where you'll spend thousands of dollars forcing people to make you eat or b) escape to enchanting Tokyo where you'll happily promote your new (and painfully awful) movie New York Minute. Yes, you're an Olsen. And damnit, it's good to be disgustingly rich.

But who are you? Who are you really? You've grown up in the media spotlight and you are worth billions. With the constant pressure to be innocent, perfect, and naturally redheaded - like goddess Lindsy Lohan - how can you truly know who you are?

That's why you must take this simple quiz (but mostly because the last one was so popular and passionately requested).

What did you eat this morning?
Fruit and Egg Beaters ('cause that's low in cholesterol you heard).
Nothing. And since you didn't eat yesterday, you probably shouldn't eat today either.

What kind of boys do you like?
Blond football jocks.
Dark haired boys who's father owns one-third of Dreamworks SKG.

Which of the following best describes the image you see in your mirror?
Lard faced, its-not-my-fault-I-have-an-ass-the-size-of-a-Japanese-bullet-train, I hate you! You look like a heifer! A fat heifer!

On your recent appearance of Saturday Night Live, you played a paparazzi working the red carpet. You shouted this to the actress portraying you:
Thank you for smiling! God you're so nice!
You look thin! Eat a sandwich!

Also, on Saturday Night Live you made a commercial for your two new fragrances, Mary Kate and Ashley. Which one best describes the setting in which you should use your scent?
For moonlit walks, romantic diners with men twice your age
For when you're feeling bloated, unattractive, hideously unpretty, or just plain fat

You died your hair. (God help you.) What color is it now?
Anorexic red

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning?
All I need is 25 minutes to curl my hair and slip on a Prada skirt with a flattering Versace scoop neck top.
At least an hour, it takes me half that time just to fit my thunder thighs into these size 0 jeans.

How many pairs of earrings do you own?
I don't own earrings. I own expensive Jacob the Jeweler original bling.
Three or fewer, I hate wearing jewelry if I know I'm going to binge and purge in a public toilet before any PR work.

You usually picked the first answer. Your name is Ashley Olsen. You're stable because you only have one first name. If you had to hyphen that shit, you'd be no more than a hillbilly. You'll go far because you're good with people even if you ain't all that bright. Congratualtions! You're going go Tokyo. You're boyfriend just dumped you but who the fuck cares? Come fall, you'll be enrolled in NYU anyway. New York guys are so hot.

You usually picked the second answer. Your name is Mary Kate Olsen and you're the ugly one. See you in rehab! Don't forget to write. And eat a sandwich already!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

THAt is so mean to say about mk u are a pig that is so mean

7:17 PM  

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