AUTHENTIC MEXICAN FOOD IS MADE FROM LARD

I’m fond of heart smart food, especially anything wrapped in a tortilla. Chipotle is a dream come true. People complain that the food there isn’t authentic enough to be Mexican food and so they won't even eat there. I agree that it isn't authentic but who wants their arteries to collapse? How can anyone hate a heart-smart burrito the size of Vin Diesel’s forearm filled with chicken, black beans, rice, and sour cream that you can order online and pick up in ten minutes? Certainly not this young Latino.

But occasionally I go to Oaxaca (pronounced oh-HA-kah with special throat phlegm clearing emphasis on the syllable ‘HA’), best Mexican restaurant in Phoenix aside from Barrio Cafe. But why is it that in order to be “authentic” EVERYTHING must be made from lard? I think I’ve even heard a Chicano folk tale where God creats the first man out of leftover solidified grease from a Folgers tin can located above Jesus’s heavenly stove.

Giving thanks to Jesus’s cooking, I leave Oaxaca with a full stomach. My face seems oilier than when I arrived. Looking in a mirror I notice that I have an ugly pimple on my forehead. I really hate popping pimples, and I hate people who try to pop them for me. That's like — so gross. This one’s already somewhat popped so I help it along, much to my discomfort and aesthetic ethics.

Todd then asks me what I have on my face. I say it’s a pimple and think nothing more of it. What I don’t know is that the blood is oozing out in all directions creating a faux-bullet wound on my forehead.

Lesson of the day: Do NOT pop your pimples.